Witless Protection (2008)

O Masterpiece
O Excellent
O Rental
O OK
O Mediocrity
X Avoid

Review by Jason Pyles / February 25, 2008

Benny Provenzano, my former karate instructor, taught us a Code of Ethics. The first one was “Look for the good in all people, and make them feel worthwhile.” That was later amended to “…and help them develop self-esteem.” Out of respect for that code, I can say perhaps Larry the Cable Guy is noble. There has to be something noble about wanting to make people laugh.

During his new movie, “Witless Protection,” some of my fellow audience members laughed, though I did not. I just don’t think gallows humor or redneck jokes are funny. As my fellow critic Luke Hickman observed, Larry the Cable Guy (and Jeff Foxworthy) keep “beating that dead, redneck horse.”

And somehow, I feel like a bully when I review these types of movies. First of all, they intend to be stupid. Even the title suggests an insult, referring to its lead character as witless. In some weird way, calling a meant-to-be-stupid movie stupid is actually a compliment, as it is acknowledging that its objective was successfully attained. Moreover, movie critics’ reviews of these kinds of flicks are largely unnecessary, because anyone who sees the trailer or hears the name “Larry the Cable Guy” already knows exactly what to expect.

But I care enough about the cinema to look into this movie, rather than turning my nose up at it. Admittedly, I quickly dismissed Larry the Cable Guy’s movie, “Delta Farce,” as the worst movie of the year in 2007. And it probably was. But “Witless Protection” is an improvement (albeit slight); and as a major motion picture release, it deserves an observant review, just like any other film. (Why does this review all of a sudden feel like Jerry Maguire’s infamous “The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business” memo?)

There are some common threads through Larry’s movies. He seems to enjoy the good-hearted, good ol’ boy character who foolishly fumbles his way into “doing some good,” despite his seemingly blatant incompetence. In “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” (2006), he tackles a food poisoning epidemic. With “Delta Farce” (2007), he basically remakes a lesser version of “Three Amigos!” (1986).

In “Witless Protection,” Larry Stalder (Larry the Cable Guy) is a small-town law man, a sheriff’s deputy in Amicus County, Mississippi, who’s dedicated to his work. In fact, Larry even practices his police skills along with training videos and various homemade rigs that simulate the rigors of law enforcement. Ultimately, Larry aspires to become an FBI agent.

Naturally, he sort of gets his chance. A group of mysterious men in black blow through Larry’s town, escorting an unhappy woman named Madeleine (Ivana Milicevic). It turns out that the men in black are FBI agents who are transferring her under the safety of the witness protection program to testify in a corporate-scandal trial in Chicago. But of course, Larry assumes that Madeleine is being kidnapped and kidnaps her from the FBI. A chase ensues as Larry plans to personally deliver Madeleine safely at the trial. All the while, the FBI agents follow behind, and so do those who wish the girl harm.

In addition to this story line, you can expect slapstick, redneck jokes, plenty of bodily functions and gross-out humor. Indeed, there’s a pea green projectile vomiting scene that rivals “The Exorcist” (1973). And, of course, you get Larry’s standup routine metaphors, such as “…busier than a blow-up doll at a frat party,” or “…faster than Angelina Jolie adoptin’ jungle pigmies.”

“Witless Protection” has some senseless dialogue that I’m not sure how it made it into the movie. For instance, at one point Larry says, “You can’t make an omelet without crackin’ a few walnuts.” A line like this is inexplicable. If you think I’m being nitpicky, consider this exchange: “Are you insane?” “No, I’m Larry.” Or how about, “I’m going to miss your bodily functions.” There’s a difference between intentional, dumb writing and just plain laziness.

Setup and pay-off is a screenwriter’s trick that’s just like it sounds: There is something set up that we know about that comes back around again, later in the story, as the pay-off. As far as setups and pay-offs go, “Witless Protection” has a real winner. Larry sticks a corn cob into the FBI guys’ vehicle’s tailpipe. The camera shows us a close-up. Action, action, then the camera shows another close-up of the corn cob stuck in the tailpipe. More action, action, and finally, we see popcorn blowing out of the tail pipe. Nothing else happens, just some popcorn. … What? Perhaps the point was that we were expecting the corn to be some effective form of sabotage, and it was harmless. Again, I say laziness.

There’s something else I can’t figure out: Is Larry the Cable Guy truly making fun of rednecks or is he celebrating them? It’s probably a combination of both. But it’s peculiar to me that he chooses to embody the persona of that which he ridicules. He is ambiguous in this way.

Another example of that ambiguity is a scene where Larry unleashes a stream of racial slurs, suggesting that a man he thinks is Arab is associated with terrorism. Now, is this an actual racist comment about the fears of having various ethnicities live and work in America, or is it Larry the Cable Guy making fun of ignorant people who exhibit racist behavior like this? The cartoon, “Family Guy,” has been accused on many occasions of blatant racism and political incorrectness. But the intent is to show how ignorant, irrational and small-minded it is to think and act like Peter Griffin.

Larry the Cable Guy’s movies tend to have other unmistakable targets for both tribute and criticism. In “Witless Protection,” there’s a nod to the U.S. troops, and there’s an attack on post-9/11 airport security. These attention-getters are always conspicuous, but these films would be smarter to employ more subtlety. Indeed, there’s nothing subtle about Larry the Cable Guy’s characters or his movies.

Obviously there’s a market for this kind of humor, or these movies would not continue to be produced. My laughing, fellow audience members lend additional proof to this notion. So, how can we fairly judge a film when it seems to be a matter of taste? If the filmmakers accomplish what they set out to accomplish (which is easier to determine than it sounds), and the advertising accurately represents the movie, then we can ask no more.

“Witless Protection” intends to be stupid and gross and replete with redneck humor. And so it is, which means, even if these things don’t match your tastes or mine, they are excusable. But the reason I rated this movie as one to avoid is because it is guilty of the inexcusable, which is laziness. It’s one thing to finish a film and say, “This movie is dumb, just like we planned.” It’s another thing to finish a film and say, “Well, I guess that’s good enough…” No, it isn’t.

Directed by Charles Robert Carner
Larry the Cable Guy / Ivana Milicevic / Jenny McCarthy
Comedy 97 min.
MPAA: PG-13 (for crude and sex-related humor)

U.S. Release Date: February 22, 2008
Copyright 2008: 247