Orange Duck Shoes Hurt? (2000)

O Masterpiece
O Excellent
O Rental
O OK
O Mediocrity
X Avoid

Review by Jason Pyles / February 24, 2008

As more of a self-amusing exercise than anything else, this is a review of a movie that I made eight years ago with my friend, Zach Ziegler. “Be Kind Rewind” reminded me of it; and as I wrote in that review, “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?” came about because Zach and I decided that we could make a movie just as entertaining as “Jackie Chan’s First Strike” (1996). We failed miserably.

Without further ado, I will attempt to review this movie objectively; and though it might seem weird, I will refer to my filmmaker self in third person.

On one hand, “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?” is proof that one should be required to have a competency license to make a movie … the same goes for making babies. But on the other hand, “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?,” if nothing else, makes a statement about the influence of Hollywood filmmaking conventions and their prevalent impressions upon the average filmgoer.

I believe it was André Bazin who said that each person must learn how to watch and understand films. Our three-dimensional world is represented within a frame of a two-dimensional world, complete with editing cuts, omniscient observance and ellipses in time and space. In other words, we come to accept that there’s a world within the movie screen; and though it appears to be like our own surroundings, it’s much different from our reality. Even so, we accept it as if it were our own.

This being said, first-time filmmakers, Jason Pyles and Zach Ziegler, demonstrate an instinctive imitation of traditional Hollywood screenplay conventions and story-arc structure. In other words, despite their complete ignorance about filmmaking (which is not a judgment but a fact), the two apparently watched and learned. Indeed, “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?” has an inciting incident, rising action and a climax. There’s even an attempt at an M. Night Shyamalan twist.

The other redeeming element of “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?,” from a theoretical standpoint, is the way it’s a historical record documenting things the way they were. But of course, like photography, most films capture their subjects the way they appeared to be at that time. This is not something to praise the filmmaker for, however, it is the medium that deserves the praise, as this happens quite naturally, by default.

“Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?” is not a low-budget film but a no-budget film, literally. In fact, this movie had no script, of any kind, which means the dialogue is the result of painfully poor improvisation, as is the plot. What makes this worse is, for the most part, the characters play themselves; so you’d think that they could at least be themselves with no trouble. Not so. Judging by this one movie’s performance, Jason Pyles has to be the biggest over-actor I’ve seen, while Zach Ziegler is flatly the worst actor – period, even exceeding Jerry Seinfeld, which is a real accomplishment. Unfortunately, these two have the most screen time, so for 61 minutes we are pummeled by their paltry performances. The critiques in this paragraph, alone, are reason enough to avoid watching “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?”

The movie is primarily a mystery. But it is also an attempted comedy and briefly a thriller and an action flick. Set in the modern-day Ohio Valley, “Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?” begins with Jason and Zach getting together to play video games. During their bout, Jason’s Aunt Darlene calls to report that her son, Matt (aka “C-Money”), is missing. At first, the news is disregarded because C-Money has a tendency to wander about nomadically, due to his wild lifestyle.

But Zach and Jason quickly take the case. The two begin an investigation that leads them to Darlene’s house, Missing Persons Anonymous, a Wendy’s drive-thru and many other places. Zach and Jason even get into a car chase scene, which has to be the worst one in movie history because there are no cross-cuts. The lengthy scene is solely shot from Zach’s back seat; and quite frankly, it’s boring.

At one point, Jason and Zach end up on the sixth floor of a parking garage, where they are attacked by gang members who complain, repeatedly, to the two trespassers on their turf. During this, the movie’s only action scene, Zooks (Mark Chamberlain) attacks Zach, who employs an unconvincing, Three Stooges onslaught, mixed with professional wrestling moves.

Next Mr. Marsh (Jason Marsh), who’s dressed like a preppy college kid, squares off against Pyles in a martial arts battle. Now, this fight scene was the motivation to make the film. It’s not horrible. Marsh (a real-life blackbelt) is quick and has good form. Pyles, on the other hand, is slow and out of shape, which kills the momentum of the sequence. But this climactic fight ends with the movie’s best scene: Pyles dangling from the sixth floor of the parking garage. (There is a whole other story behind “the making of” that can be found in my “Be Kind Rewind” review.) This is the best scene because of how convincing it is. Indeed, it is Pyles’ first and last attempt at being a stuntman. That’s probably for the best.

The movie’s only notable special effects come from a segment supplied by Bill Barnes. His portion of the film was shot in Philadelphia. He includes moving computer graphics (CGI, I suppose) that suggest a dream sequence. Relating to this, at one point Pyles writes a letter to Barnes, asking for his help. Though it’s too long, this is one of the movie’s few truly humorous moments.

The novice filmmakers shot the entire movie in chronological order, according to the plot. And in the beginning, it seems that Pyles and Ziegler had the discipline to film a quick scene and not linger too long. But perhaps in the interest of lengthening the runtime or simple overindulgence, the scenes get unnecessarily longer and longer. The movie’s low-point is the overlong, bizarre additions to Barnes’ dream sequence.

“Orange Duck Shoes Hurt?,” a movie whose nonsensical title was randomly assembled by its filmmakers, is a 61-minute waste of time. Perhaps the Marsh-Pyles fight scene and the letter sequence could be salvaged to entertain the masses on YouTube; but otherwise, let’s hope these two filmmakers go missing with C-Money.

Directed by Jason Pyles and Zach Ziegler
Jason Pyles / Zach Ziegler / Matt Taylor
Mystery / Comedy 61 min.
MPAA: No official MPAA rating (but it would be PG for thematic elements)

U.S. Release Date: October 1, 2000
Copyright 2008: 246