Meet the Spartans (2008)

O Masterpiece
O Excellent
O Rental
O OK
O Mediocrity
X Avoid

Review by Jason Pyles / January 29, 2008

Today’s news headlines indicate that a disabled, U.S. spy satellite that weighs around 20,000 pounds and is about the size of a small bus has fallen out of orbit and will likely plummet back to Earth … somewhere. Having heard this news, all I could think about while sitting in the theater watching “Meet the Spartans” is I hope that satellite lands on me, right now.

No such luck.

If it’s not obvious from the trailer, “Meet the Spartans” is in the same silly vein as “Scary Movie” (2000), “Date Movie” (2006), and “Epic Movie” (2007), and, in fact, is basically “Epic Movie 2.” And if you’ve seen any of these winners, you’ll know that these movies strain (and I mean strain) to get laughs by threading several recent movie plots together with a merciless barrage of pop culture references and shameless advertising (and I mean shameless).

Typically, these movies select a primary target, and “Meet the Spartans” aims its spoof at “300,” which was a well-received hit of 2007. But of all the movies that could have been ridiculed from the past year, “Meet the Spartans” attempts to parody a film whose thin plot leaves little to work with: Basically, all that happens in “300” is a two-hour, repetitive blood bath by the sea.

And yes, you might be wondering, what movie could be more deserving of such scrutiny? But if “300” is as fun as playing with a stick, “Meet the Spartans” is just a stick, no playing and certainly no fun.

If you’ve ever watched the TV cartoon “Family Guy,” then you’ve seen effective parodies. “Family Guy” sticks closely with the source material, only deviating slightly (albeit deviously) from the original it is imitating. And better still, “Family Guy” points out small oddities about the show it’s spoofing. Even “Weird Al” Yankovic recreates comedy songs that are so close to the original version, we might not realize they are parodies unless we’re paying attention to his new lyrics.

Though “Meet the Spartans” follows “300’s” plotline events very faithfully, it wanders way, way off the path from the nature of the original material. For instance, during the scene where King Leonidas and Xerxes’ messenger discuss unpopular topics by a gaping hole, somehow, Britney Spears and the American Idol judges show up. And I’m tellin’ ya, if one person gets kicked into that hole, 100 do. Now, this might have been humorous if “300” had countless hosts of people getting kicked into a hole, because it would have been peculiar enough to mock. But that wasn’t the case; instead, “Spartans” chooses to evoke Sanjaya. See what I mean?

I can compliment “Meet the Spartans” on one thing: Sean Maguire, who plays Leonidas, closely resembles and impressively impersonates Gerard Butler, “300’s” Leonidas. Speaking of casting, there is something I can’t figure out: Why in the world does Carmen Electra always agree to play in these movies? She’s been in “Meet the Spartans,” “Epic Movie,” “Scary Movie 4,” “Date Movie,” “Scary Movie,” etc. Obviously, she either likes this type of humor or the money’s good.

If you are careful about which PG-13 movies you choose to see, “Meet the Spartans” is probably one you’d opt to skip. It mimics its seedy inspiration, “300,” and is filled with crass, vulgar, gross-out humor. If you still choose to see this movie, halfway through the end credits there’s additional footage, including more attempts at a comical portrayal of child abuse, in case the first round wasn’t funny enough for you. (I will admit that this is an example of “Spartans” trying to mock a peculiarity of “300,” but child abuse is like cancer: It’s never funny.)

My filmmaker friend, Barrett Hilton, has told me in the past that I’m too hard on the movies I hate. After all, this is somebody’s art I’m writing about. I’ve considered his critique of the critic carefully. Then, last year gave us a great character that added to Barrett’s sentiments named Anton Ego, a ferocious food critic who writes the following thought in “Ratatouille”:

“In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read, but the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.”

Well, I was touched by this until I saw “Meet the Spartans.” I’m convinced that even if I typed a whole review of binary code (which, in fact, I have), it would still be more meaningful, funnier and more entertaining than “Meet the Spartans.”

(Oh, and legendary film critic Stanley Kauffmann’s movie reviews are more meaningful than most movies.)

Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Sean Maguire / Carmen Electra / Ken Davitian
Comedy 84 min.
MPAA: PG-13 (for crude and sexual content throughout, language and some comic violence)

U.S. Release Date: January 25, 2008
Copyright 2008: 226