G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

O Masterpiece

O Excellent

O Good

O OK

X Mediocrity

O Avoid

Review by Jason Pyles / August 7, 2009

The 3- and 3/4-inch G.I. Joe action figures that this movie is based on had a tendency to break in certain places. If “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” were a toy instead of a movie, it would have a broken rubber band, two missing thumbs and no groin.

Apologists will dismiss any criticism of a movie based on a toy line, but after seeing the first “Transformers” brought to the screen with some degree of competence, we know it can be done.

“The Rise of Cobra” is set in the “not-too-distant future” when a weapons manufacturer has developed “nanomites” — fearsome weaponry that can “eat all materials,” including tanks and entire cities.

Naturally, such destructive technology must not fall into the wrong hands, like, say, a budding terrorist organization bent on world conquest. And when that unthinkable scenario occurs, another group of “real American heroes” must counter its attack.

“The Rise of Cobra” gives us some of our favorite characters, such as Storm Shadow, Zartan, a sultry Baroness, and of course, Snake Eyes, whose appearances are quite good. Snake Eyes is played by Ray Park, the incredibly gifted martial artist who also played Darth Maul in “The Phantom Menace” and Toad in “X-Men.”

But unfortunately, many of Park’s combat sequences against Storm Shadow are filmed up close, so we can’t tell what’s happening. That’s how they make older guys like Liam Neeson look fast, but Park doesn’t need close-ups.

As its title suggests, “The Rise of Cobra” is a multi-faceted origins story. We get to learn the origins of Destro, Cobra Commander and the reasons for the bad blood between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Despite its futuristic, Battle Force 2000 appearance, “The Rise of Cobra” mostly features the earlier characters, which is to say, there is no Serpentor, Crimson Twins, Emesis Enforcer or any other Cobra-La kooks.

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is frequently boring and seldom entertaining. It is little more than a colorful strobe light masquerading as a motion picture. In other words, if you’re not a G.I. Joe fan — circa 1982 to 1986 — don’t even bother with this movie, unless you’re the kind of person who’s easily entertained by blinking Christmas lights.

Note: Readers feeling nostalgic for their Hasbro treasures should visit the invaluable YoJoe.com, and click on the “Toy Archive” link.

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Channing Tatum / Sienna Miller / Marlon Wayans

Action 118 min.

MPAA: PG-13 (for strong sequences of action violence and mayhem throughout)